Minion Monday – The love I miss

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This morning I woke up from a dream, in this dream I was sitting in the sand with the little girl I miscarried long ago. Well I was dreaming of who she should have been, her name was Elizabeth. I imagine her to be about 4 with her daddy’s soft curly hair but the same red as mine. Bright green eyes and a big smile. I saw the two of us sitting in the warm sand building a sand castle. In the dream, I finally heard her sweet voice her adorable laugh, saw her bright smile. She was loving the sand, her tiny toes were buried in the sand just like I love to do. It was an amazing dream, yet I woke up and cried again for my loss, for her beautiful soul that I never had the privilege to know, to hold or to watch grow. I wonder if she would have been a girly girl who loved dresses and tea parties, or more like me who liked leather and dying her hair black. Would she have had autism too? Would she have her daddy wrapped around her little finger? Would she have given me as much trouble as I gave my parents? So many would she’s and too many things that could have been.

This isn’t the first time I have dreamed of who she would have been if I had not lost her. Innumerable times I have thought of who she could have been. Different ages, different attitudes, every time I wake up crying and wondering what could have been. The funny thing is it has been more than 15 years since I lost her. Since that heart-wrenching day the bleeding started and the doctor did a sonogram telling me that her tiny heart beat was silent. Yet this morning, it as if it happened yesterday.

Little Liza never made it to birth. I will never even know why. Sometimes I blame myself, but really I know there was nothing I could have done.

I had two more babies I lost, two more little hearts that stopped way too soon, and four that made it. They all had an impact on my life but because I have 2 relatives who are currently pregnant with little girls I can’t get her out of my head right now.

So this day, Valentine’s Day, I will cry the tears, and I remember the daughter who I never get to meet. That hole that will always be in my heart, and I will stand in the shower and grieve her. Then I will put on my happy face and smile, make pancakes, turn up the music and bask in the joy of the boys I do have.
However sweet baby girl, mommy will always love you.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Happy Valentines Day from HardlyBored.com

Happy Valentines Day from HardlyBored.com

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9 comments for “Minion Monday – The love I miss

  1. Donna Miglino
    February 14, 2016 at 7:09 PM

    Me too, my friend❤

    • Hardly Bored
      February 14, 2016 at 7:16 PM

      <3 Thanks I need to hear that.

  2. February 14, 2016 at 9:11 PM

    <3 HUGS <3 She is coming to you to comfort you and remind you that you will be together one day and you will be together forever with your toes in the sand.

    • Hardly Bored
      February 15, 2016 at 9:26 AM

      Thank you! Maybe so.

  3. February 15, 2016 at 11:40 AM

    Hi Dawn! Stopped by here to read your post. Beautifully written and obviously, it came from the heart. So sorry about your losses, the pain really never goes away does it? Hang in there! 🙂

    • Hardly Bored
      February 15, 2016 at 4:09 PM

      Nope never, however I still find joy in every day. She may be gone but will never be forgotten.

  4. February 15, 2016 at 9:29 PM

    This is beautiful! 💗 I’m so sorry for your loss and am sending you love and prayers right now.

    • Hardly Bored
      February 16, 2016 at 10:11 AM

      Thank you

  5. Hardly Bored
    April 19, 2017 at 11:35 AM

    Empty Arms

    I carried you in my heart
    Felt you grow in my womb

    I built dreams and hopes for you
    We all fell in love with you

    Then you were gone

    The word miscarried was spoken

    I miss carried you.
    I did something wrong.
    The word its self-implies
    I Miss Carried.
    I failed, I carried you wrong.

    Now my hopes are gone, your heart beat lost
    You are gone.

    Now my arms are empty.

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