This morning I woke up from a dream, in this dream I was sitting in the sand with the little girl I miscarried long ago. Well I was dreaming of who she should have been, her name was Elizabeth. I imagine her to be about 4 with her daddy’s soft curly hair but the same red as mine. Bright green eyes and a big smile. I saw the two of us sitting in the warm sand building a sand castle. In the dream, I finally heard her sweet voice her adorable laugh, saw her bright smile. She was loving the sand, her tiny toes were buried in the sand just like I love to do. It was an amazing dream, yet I woke up and cried again for my loss, for her beautiful soul that I never had the privilege to know, to hold or to watch grow. I wonder if she would have been a girly girl who loved dresses and tea parties, or more like me who liked leather and dying her hair black. Would she have had autism too? Would she have her daddy wrapped around her little finger? Would she have given me as much trouble as I gave my parents? So many would she’s and too many things that could have been.
This isn’t the first time I have dreamed of who she would have been if I had not lost her. Innumerable times I have thought of who she could have been. Different ages, different attitudes, every time I wake up crying and wondering what could have been. The funny thing is it has been more than 15 years since I lost her. Since that heart-wrenching day the bleeding started and the doctor did a sonogram telling me that her tiny heart beat was silent. Yet this morning, it as if it happened yesterday.
Little Liza never made it to birth. I will never even know why. Sometimes I blame myself, but really I know there was nothing I could have done.
I had two more babies I lost, two more little hearts that stopped way too soon, and four that made it. They all had an impact on my life but because I have 2 relatives who are currently pregnant with little girls I can’t get her out of my head right now.
So this day, Valentine’s Day, I will cry the tears, and I remember the daughter who I never get to meet. That hole that will always be in my heart, and I will stand in the shower and grieve her. Then I will put on my happy face and smile, make pancakes, turn up the music and bask in the joy of the boys I do have.
However sweet baby girl, mommy will always love you.
Happy Valentine’s Day.