I went for my 1st medicine level check today since leaving the hospital. I got in my car to find the battery dead. So I had older teen pull out the jump battery and it started right away. I head to the doctor, music on the radio and a song playing, without realizing it I am singing along.
The next song was one I have always loved so I turned up and sang louder. I know, not remarkable, but it might be if you realize I am here to sing. I wasn’t sure I would be a week ago. I could sing, again a week or even a month ago I would have struggled.
For a while now I have been fighting to breathe, I would write it off as allergies, asthma or both. I ignored it. There were things I shouldn’t have ignored, aside from being short of breath, I was also having random tingling, burning in muscles like when you work out too hard. I ignored it because other things needed to happen first, things like dishes, dinner, laundry, and bills. I put off taking care of me to keep the lights on, get the house painted and have decent internet. To me, these things were more important. I didn’t want to upset the schedule, more thought I didn’t want anything to be wrong. I wanted it to go away, to not be happening. I often hear other special needs parents saying they have to “live forever”, I totally get that. When it comes down to it my kids can care for each other but I don’t want them to have to. I want them to have their own lives. I don’t want them to feel like they have to take over being Zach’s keeper. I know, realistically, they will have to some day. I just wish that wasn’t the case. I wish I could live forever or at least until Zach doesn’t need me anymore. This week I got a wake-up call. I nearly lost my life, because I ignored the signs something was wrong. I pretended I was okay so others wouldn’t see it and in the end, it caught up with me. What could have been a simple visit to a doctor for less than a hundred dollars in meds turned into a 5-day hospital stay, with a bill I dread seeing, but at least I am sure I met my deductible for the year.
Some good things did come from this. Things like Zach wasn’t going to regress if I had to go to the hospital (huge worry), I learned that my older kids can step up and run the house, take care of each other and not murder each other (another worry). I realized it cost more in every way than to just take the time to take care of me in the first place. I also determined that there was a hospital near me that wasn’t just good they were amazing. I fell in love with my nurses and doctors. They did everything they could to make me comfortable, even overcame my stubborn tendency to just live with the pain. They didn’t chew me out and helped me learn to take better care of myself. There were 3 of my nurses who went above and beyond, Jennifer, Kayla, and Kim. Each of them took extra time for me, even though it was a busy time for them. Each of them made sure I never needed anything, made sure every doctor’s test and instructions were happening and listened when I just needed someone to listen. Each of my doctors listened and actually acted on what I said. In the past, this has not always been the case.
So today I jumped my car, drove with the music loud, I sang, I enjoyed the music, I enjoyed being able to sing, and I really I enjoy being alive. Maybe it is silly. I guess this visit to the hospital reminded me of how important little things are, how things like jumping the car, singing along with the radio even just driving to the doctor can be pretty wonderful. Today I remembered to take the time to count those blessings to sing along and to be glad that I am alive.
This Week’s Comic –