Today I cried a little on the way to speech, we have been going to speech for the last 7 years. While he finally talks, it is far from where a kid his age should be. Today I mourned the kid he should have been for just a few minutes. The teen who would chase after girls, or get caught looking at them on the Internet at least. The one who would stomp his feet, tell me no and call me the worst mom in the world. The teen that would have too much homework and ask for help. The one who would get into trouble at school because he was smarter than the teacher and talked back.
Today I cried a little remembering all the dreams we had for him when he was a baby, talk of growing up, what would he be? Would he want to do? What job would he have?
Now we stay up late at night trying to figure out how to support him for the rest of his life. Asking who will keep him safe when we can’t be there.
So for just a few minutes I let myself mourn that lost boy.
Then I dried my eyes and saw him in my mirror. I smiled and asked him if he was ready for speech. He smiled back and say “Yes Mom! Let’s go.”
Then I spent the rest of the trip pointing out flowers, cars, singing along with the radio and thrilled with the little boy I do have. While he isn’t the child I dreamed of I can’t imagine my life without him. Without his smile, he way of making everyone around him happy. I can’t imagine not waking up to him saying “Good Morning Mom” or “Night Mom, Love you!” Even if they are more scripting than actual sentiments. I am grateful for his hugs, staying near when he thinks I am sad. I adore that his whole life has a soundtrack like a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Everything from doors closing to watching something fall makes a sound, sometimes I think those cartoons were made to include blind people because everything made a noise you could track. I love that he finally learned to go to the restroom and to make food for himself. I love him even if he isn’t the teen I was expecting, he is an amazing person, and so very full of life, joy and smiles. I might occasionally mourn the boy I wished for. I have more than I could have dreamed of in him.
Even if he is never quiet.