Life has to go on.
Many of you know, one year ago New Years Day my father passed away. It was unexpected he was in a rehabilitation center after a horrible quadruple heart bypass surgery. Just 3 days short of his 66th birthday.
He was on a ventilator and they were weaning him off of it.
He was supposed or go home!
Then new year’s morning I got a tearful call from my mom, she said I needed to come right away something had happened.
I rushed the hour long drive to the center he was at, the place looked so empty, there was no one in the lobby, it was a holiday and that showed.
I took my husband’s hand and we took the elevator to his floor, the moment I saw my mom I knew… She informed me that my father had several episodes during the night where he had to be revived, that they were having to do it again for something like the 8th or 9th time in less than 8 hours. They were sure he would never recover from this.
His heart just couldn’t do it anymore.
My mother and brother were there both so tired and scared, I took my dads hand, kissed his cheek and realized he wasn’t there anymore, he simply don’t feel like he was alive.
We asked them to stop trying to revive him, then his heart stopped a again a couple of minutes later.
I was devastated. I can’t tell you much about the next couple of days, it all runs together in one big blur.
I remember my kids went into denial, except Zach who simply and blissful saw that I was sad, he hugged me and kissed me then went back to his day.
Death doesn’t affect him in the same way it does the rest of us. Sure he gets a little sad, then a few minutes later it is done, he lets it go, and life goes on.
He doesn’t seem to go though the pain of loss, the mourning, we all have had to endure. He seems to realize that others are sad so he cuddles, and tickles them. Brings them things they like, he will come to you and sit near you. He doesn’t cry. He doesn’t get angry, there is no easily identifiable sign he goes through the stages of grief.
Through this he has taught me something.
No matter the loss he realizes, life had to go on.
He handles everything with such grace and strength.
While I was sitting around bawling until my face is chapped. He held my hand kissed my cheek and then went back to his videos. The next day he got up went through his normal routine, and showed me life had to go on.
I will admit at first it felt like it didn’t matter to him, and that made me angry. Then, I realized he was right, the routine we had in life still had to happen, we had to get up, get dressed and start our day. Rumbling tummies and the rest of our life demanded we continue.
I still did these things with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart.
They had to happen, but life had to go on.
I sit here, one year and four days later, I still cry a little too much, I can now look at his picture and not burst into tears.
Yesterday would have been his 67th birthday. We celebrated my son’s 25th (his birthday is on the 7th but he lives far away and came home for the weekend.) We sang and had cake, then I went and cried for my dad.
This morning I got up got out of bed made a huge brunch for everyone because as Zach taught me, life goes on.
While still I miss him i know I have to keep doing the things that make up life no matter how much I miss him. Having cuddles from my kids helps. Having Zach show me how to get through the pain with his wonderful grace reminds me that life has to go on even when death takes someone away.
Thank you Zach.