I woke up this morning with this thought in my head, after a long night dealing with thunderstorms. Having to fight to get him into his own bed. Working the blankets, pillows and noise dampening headphones so he can sleep, some, before the rain wakes him again. These were my sleep deprived thoughts the next morning.
I want to see the world the way you do, if only for a little while. To understand why you feel the need to hide wrapped in a blanket cocoon instead of playing in the sun. To hear the world the way that you hear so I understand the constant need for headphones to shut us all out. I want to know why even the thought of rain sends you into a tizzy, making you avert your eyes from the sky.
I want to feel the world the way that you do, so I can comprehend why you need so many blankets and pillows on top if you to sleep.
To be able to go to the shops and recognize what in them makes one shop okay and another shop causes you to meltdown. For just a little while to live in your head, see through your eyes, feel with your skin.
Then maybe I could tell the world you hide, to say this is why you are so afraid! To explain why you needs things to be just so.
I want to fathom why you do the things you do, why you have to dress a certain way, what makes you, you.
Since you were born I have been your protector, your voice and I am the one who tries to find a way into your world, a way to reach you my amazing brilliant son. Autism has prevented me from sitting with you and chatting about why you like this or don’t like that. So instead I guess, a LOT.
What I wouldn’t give to grasp why one moment you are fine and the next it seems like the entire world needs to be pushed away, why you need to hide from everyone and everything?
I wish this so when that rude person shoots you dirty looks for the way you wiggle and wave your hands as we walk through a shop I can say, “He does that because the lights here hurt his head, and this visual stimulation helps him process them in a way that isn’t so painful.” I want all of this because guessing is hard. As hard as I try to understand what you need, knowing why would make such a difference to be able to help you, to provide the things you need to be able to live happily in our world.
You have already taught me to see the world in a whole new way, I just want to understand the world the way you do, for just a little while. Oh and damn autism for stealing your voice.