As I drove through the morning fog returning home today I realized I have spent too many nights lately sleeping with strangers. Last night’s stranger was named Derek, he is a sleep technician at a local sleep clinic. Last night he spent the whole night watching me sleep, or not sleep as I really didn’t sleep much. Try as I might, sleeping with someone watching me isn’t easy. The sensors didn’t help much either. I have spent more nights away between test and hospitals I actually miss my husbands snoring!
I feel broken, lost and scared. My mind keeps asking how can anyone want me, need me or depend on me if I can’t even help myself. In the last few weeks, I have gone from the mom, wife, and friend who did everything that needed to be done to one who can barely walk across the room without getting out of breath. As I sat in the sleep clinic I was just hoping that we can find an answer to what is going on. How can I be a good mom if I can barely care for me? How can I be the wife I want to be if I have to rely on my husband to do most of my chores? I am so frustrated! I requested this sleep study because I need answers as to why my lungs keep getting worse. I need to know why I woke up one morning not too long ago with my heart fluttering and chest pains. I need to know these things because I have people who count on me, a child with autism who needs me to be able to chase him when he forgets cars can kill him. As tired and frustrated as I am I will I won’t give up, I am going to keep fighting because when I look at my kids, my husband, my friends, family and for me. I see a reason to fight, a reason to keep trying and most of all a reason to get well.
I will keep looking up too because that is what needs to happen. I always do what needs to be done. No matter how hard it seems at the moment. Thank you all for cheering me on, I need it more than you will ever know.
This weeks comic –