Minion Monday – Frustration
If you are an ASD parent your probably already know how very freaking frustrating autism can be.
Don’t get me wrong it has some awesome points but it has its share of crap too. Zach who is “kinda” finding his words still has trouble communicating with us. Some days are better than others, but days like today just suck. He has been up since 4:30 am after going to sleep an hour late last night (normally he sleeps until 7am). He has been back and forth to the bathroom twice as much as normal, but he says he is not hurting or sick. He has been going into his dad’s office and checking on him, which is rare for him. The stimming is out of control, and he hasn’t spent 5 minutes not glued to my side.
I think the fireworks may be partly to blame, possible the moon cycles. Who knows! I know Zach does, but he can’t tell me!
No matter what it is I just wish I could talk to him, to hold his hand or hug him. I want to talk him through and explain away whatever it is bugging him. Instead, I ask him what’s wrong and he responds with “Nothing”.
I know something is but the only word he can give me is, “Nothing.” We can’t talk it out, I can’t tell him a silly story like when I was a kid and walked uphill both ways in the snow to go to school (in Texas). All I can do ask questions, guess and watch the signs, I try and try and still I can’t always figure out what’s wrong. Yet I still fail.
So instead I sit here trying to guess, I know I will probably spend the night in my own kind of meltdown, wishing I could give my son his voice. Wishing I could take away whatever is hurting him. I cry because I want him to be happy and yet still at twelve the best I get is “Nothing”. (and it’s not even the teen angst kind of nothing!)
Some day Zach will have enough of a voice to say what is wrong until then I am doing my best to be strong, and hope he can forgive my failure to help. I am frustrated though I bet he is even more frustrated with me.
I am going to put my boy to bed and grab a glass of wine and put on an ugly cry movie and sit in a tub full of minion banana scented bubble bath, and have my mommy meltdown. May Monday be a better day for all of us.