Minion Monday – Depression and this Autism Mom
For most of my life I have fought suicidal thoughts and depression.
Don’t get me wrong I have a wonderful life.
I have amazing kids, a wonderful husband, home and friends!
Still some days it is hard.
When I was a teen I attempted suicide.
The med’s I took for ADHD made me even more depressed than normal and my boyfriend at the time, who I had decided was the love of my life, broke up with me.
I tried to overdose.
I was young and stupid.
That day I watched my Moms’s face when I was in the emergency room puking my guts out after they filled my stomach with charcoal. I watch the anguish, and fear. I watch the anger and frustration of my Dad too.. The complete and utter disappointment he had in me and in himself.
At that moment I decided, no matter how bad things got, I would NEVER ever do that to anyone else again.
That doesn’t mean the thoughts went away though. It does mean that I look at the people in my life and I think, “Could I put them through that?” the answer is always no.
I could never hurt someone that way again.
I don’t take medicine to control my depression*, I close my eyes and remember my parents that day.
That is usually enough for me. Then I hug a child or a friend or go out and do something for someone else. Instead of letting my depression hurt anyone I spread joy, kindness and acceptance where I can.
However, there are some times when it is hard, when seeing those faces in my head is just difficult. When the voice in my head says, things like “This small pain will be nothing they will be better off, or that I won’t even be missed.”
Some nights I lay on silent sobs that my baby has such a hard life, or over the loss of my beloved father and grandparents. Sometimes I weep for another son who is so very like me. I worry he will also spend his life sad inside attempting to fill the world with joy and smiles and laughs and silently crying at night. Or tears for any number of other things that my family, friends or I have to fight.
Those days I sit and cry and let the depression win for a bit, I cry it out and let it go.
Then, I sleep, knowing tomorrow will come and even if nothing changes I will get up, make the beds, cook some breakfast, hug my kids, teach, laugh, dance, smile and love. Because that is who I want to be, that is the Mom my kids deserve. I will not let my depression take that from my boys.
I see so many who can’t find that reason, who can’t fight the voice in their head telling them the world is better without them. To those people I want to say something. You have to be who you want to be. You can not let the doubt take that from the world. You have to stand up and take control no matter how hard it seems, you are loved even if it doesn’t always seem that way, there is someone out there who you will or already mean the world to. Even if at this moment in time you can not see it. If you can’t find that in yourself, talk to someone, find someone to reach out to. A friend, a loved one or even a stranger. If you feel the need to take a life, yours or anyone’s don’t, ask a friend, or a stranger to help at very least go to a hospital ask for help, they will help you.
If I had let the voice win as a teen I would never have been able to bring my amazing kids into the world, I would not be here to make someone smile today, or to remind them that they need to keep fighting.
Not once have I ever regretted my children, they are the reason I live, the reason I make it to tomorrow. They are the light of my life no matter how hard things get they are my everything.
Though I may never know who’s life I touch, I know that I tried and if I make one person think, smile, grow or reach out to someone else then I made the world a better place.
You can too, don’t give up or in, don’t let depression win. Don’t believe the voice in your head telling you the world is better without you, it lies. Instead, cry tonight, then get up tomorrow and find someone or something you can do to make the world and life better.
Spread kindness, love and acceptance because frankly that is what we all need.
You can do it, even if it seems impossible. I know, because I do.
*Medicine is amazing if that is what you need to fight your way out of depression, they are just not for me.