Please forgive my lateness on this blog I normally post on Mondays but I’ve been very sick this week. It has hit me very hard and I spend most of my time sleeping. I try to gather strength just to sit up in bed and eat dinner. My husband brought home a very bad cold and I’ve been coughing and sneezing so much that I had to start asthma treatments again, so hopefully you’ll forgive me for making a minion Wednesday instead of a minion Monday.
.I’ve been home for almost 3 months. I’ve been to the doctor a couple times and tonight I told my son Zach that I had to go to the doctor in the morning and he said “no go hospital you stay.” I burst into tears and told him I’d be home for dinner when in truth I’ll probably be home for lunch. It’s just easier to say dinner because we don’t usually eat lunch around here and he’s used to having me home for dinner. Not that I can cook anymore but at least he can tell me how he feels and I can communicate to him and help him feel less stressed. At least I know he still loves me.
I can’t drive the 15 seconds to go down the street to the post office much less the hour and a half to his speech language pathologist which sucks. Not just because I truly miss going there to her, but also how much it helps him. I know he does too. Someday I’ll be able to get in the car and drive him. She taught me as much as she taught him. I attended every session with him and reinforced everything that she said at home and because of that he could tell me now that he is scared that I’m going to go away again. How do I tell him I’m scared I have to go away again too?
All I can do is keep fighting to stay well, take all my meds and do the exercises they teach me. You get stronger but there is still no guarantee that it won’t happen again, and the thought of that scares the crap out of me. Because I let my asthma go on uncontrolled because I didn’t have time to go to the doctor because I was too tired because I kept putting it off. At least this has taught me one thing: it is more expensive timewise and moneywise to not take care of myself then to do it. I will go ahead and take care of myself in the first place, physically and emotionally. Not just for him but for me too.
Now I’m sitting here dictating through my iPad because I can’t type anymore. When I had my stroke I lost all use of my left side. I can sign with my left hand now. I still can’t make my trees, I can’t hold a fork and knife, and cut up my food.
I’m surprised this thing is as coherent as it is through the sobs but it’s better than not to get this out. Writing used to be my release of all the stress until I couldn’t type anymore now it’s just stressful. So please listen to me, take the time, make the time to do it. It’s worth it, You’re worth it and so are your kids.