My darling son,
I write each week mostly about you on this page, it is sometimes about your autism but more about how amazing I think you are. Make no mistake I do think you are amazing.
I know you have a hard time with lots of things but you work hard to do so much, always with a smile on your face. Earlier this week I had a pity party for me. I broke down crying because you might never leave home. That I would spend all my life caring for you and never have a day off from that again. First of all I want to say I realized that years ago, until now it never really made me cry. Even though I realized this years ago. I searched for an answer as to why this time my brain just decided to cry.
Finally it dawned on me, you are 12 almost 13, and pretty darn good at taking care of yourself.
I am extremely proud that you can feed, care for; even keep yourself mostly happy and under control all the time. I never fear violent outbursts anymore. I know you will have eaten because you will make whatever you want to eat when you get hungry. You are more than able to wash and dress yourself. Even if you need reminders (but what child doesn’t?).
I know that as long as you have a computer, iPad and internet you can do all the thing you want to do. Even make amazing maps and levels for numerous games.
With all this awesomeness you have going. Still I know you will need someone to buy food for you, drive for you and clean up with you. While I no longer worry that you will wander away from home. Still places outside of that safe haven, make you want to explore, regardless of the dangers. I know that you don’t always remember to look for cars, or watch where you are walking. That if you got lost you would not know how to get back home and that words would escape you.
I also realize there are days when I am just tired, days when I feel like I just want a nap, or to relax. This was one of those days, and you were in full moon madness mode. So my brain picked this day to cry.
I am sorry.
I remember baby boy, that being you is hard, and being your mom is an amazing privilege. The love you give the joy you bring to our whole family is a true blessing, and I am grateful to be your mom.
Yet I am a bit guilty of now and then wanting you to grow up, have a semi normal life. To have the time most parents look forward to, to have their kids grow up, leave home and have time to do things just for me.
Just know little man, that I have not even once regretted being your parent, not even for half a second. I have always loved you, even mid meltdown. Even when you would barely sleep for months on end. Even when you made messes, or hit me. No matter how bad your frustration has been; I have ALWAYS been glad to be your mom.
I must ask you, please forgive me to once or twice breaking down and crying, I am only human and as amazing as you are. Still some days it is hard for both of us.